My Mess is my Message

My Mess is my Message

It’s grey today

Lackluster and unmotivated, negative thoughts never far behind

If I can muster the energy to walk out the door,

I’ll get a little more out of mind

Grab a coffee, a little more

Walk to the park, a little more

And breathe…

A little more

Sometimes there are 1000 steps between me and just ok

But if I recognize, acknowledge,

If I investigate and nurture

I just end up just as clusters of feelings with no story and no identity, no me to blame, just a child hurting on the inside

Deep set inadequacies are just gaps, cracks, trapped air occasionally bubbling up on the surface

Anger is just past trauma mixed with limbic triggers

Judgment is just avoidance

And I am beautiful in my mess,

My mess is like a mudbath,

Like the virus in the inoculation,

The saplings in the compost

The wisdom of imminent dead flesh

My mess is my message